Don't do drugs

So my boss dropped by the junior high where I work today (he normally spends his days at the board of education, which is across the street, and next to the only castle in this prefecture), and tried to tell me something while the students were practicing a song they have to sing for their culture festival tomorrow. I am required to go to this (it's on a Saturday) but the school's closed on Monday instead. The whole school sings the same song together, and has been practicing it for maybe a month now. The music teacher still, however, finds reasons to flip out on the kids, as I think he takes the whole thing pretty seriously. I get the impression that the kids don't like him too much, as an abnormally large percentage of them answered "[teacher's name] is a music teacher that I don't like" as a response to a 4-point jeopardy question in class.

I digress; after a few minutes of failed communication (the students singing didn't help), my boss decided it would be easier to get the head English teacher (who just happened to be standing next to me) to translate. Turns out he wanted me to "drop by the office in the next three days when I have a chance". Great.

So, since I generally don't work very hard (see previous post), I had time to go that afternoon. I dropped by, and tried to have a conversation with him. Surprisingly, my Japanese has gotten a little better, and we didn't have to use Soga-san (whose English is the best in the office, but we still have trouble communicating) as a go-between. Turns out that I have to drop by the office at least once a week in case they have paperwork for me to read (and use brackets at least 6 more times in this post). This week, my boss wanted me to fill out a form for, get this, "teachers interested in becoming Japanese language teachers". As a prerequisite, your Japanese proficiency must be at or above level 2 (level one being the highest). My level, IF I study my ass off, MIGHT be level 4 by the time the December test rolls around (which my colleagues at work have been dissuading me to take, since they think that I'll fail). But it's really important that I read and submit the application form on time. I swear, sometimes I think that at some point in history, trees must have attacked a Japanese village or something; these people then swore revenge on all trees, and instilled in all Japanese people a love of pointless, repetitive, and unecessarily excruciating paperwork, so as to require the felling of innumerable trees. You'd be surprised how anal people are about paperwork. If anything is even remotely out of place (and I do mean ANYTHING), they'll chuck the form and make you fill out a new one.

Back to my story. Another thing the boss gave me was a news letter. At this point, his demeanour became very serious, and he circled one section of the newsletter entitled "Drugs". Apparently, a few people here have gotten busted for smoking weed, which means you lose your job, and face serious legal repercussions (I'm talking up to a half-year's wages, as well as a few months in jail) before you get deported. I told him that I understood that drugs were illegal in Japan. Then I told him that marijuana had been decriminalized in Canada. You should've seen his face; he nearly shat his pants!!! I think he was genuinely worried that I'd light up a joint in class or something. After letting him sweat for a while (while listening to him explain again that drugs are illegal in Japan), I told him not to worry.

Good thing I got my offer to re-contract right before that. Was that the longest, most drawn-out story to get to the punch line, or what? Also, if anyone has suggestions as to how to limit my bracket usage (or any other comments in general) please post them as a comment. Comments make me feel special! I'm more likely to respond to anything you say in person (by which I mean via email or phone) rather than posting a reply here for everyone to read.

Anyhow, that's enough for now. I'll try to write about fun stuff I've been doing on weekends and such (with pictures!) at some point soon.

ps. In case I forgot to mention it (which I didn't), comments are good. They make me feel like I have friends beyond the two people in this city that I can have a conversation with. Also, they give me something to read at work besides the news.

Earthquake

Folks,

For those of you who read the news, are concerned about my state of being, and are kind enough to forgive the occasional run-on sentence, but forget where I live: don't worry. The crazy earthquakes were far enough away that I wasn't personally affected.

be well,

Confession

I have a bit of a confession to make. You see, I don't really feel that I deserve the paycheck that I get every month. Now that's not to say that I don't enjoy getting it, or that I won't enjoy spending it, but the fact of the matter is, that I don't work very hard.

Let me give you an example. Today is Friday. I had 3 classes this morning, which ended at 11:40 am. Then, I went to the bank to make a transfer payment (it's acceptable to go to the bank here during working hours because they close at 3 pm every day). Then, I came back to school and tried to comfort this random girl that was crying in the hallway. That's kind of hard to do when you can't understand each other, but I tried. Fortunately, the school nurse came along, and helped me get her into the nurse's office. I had been trying to get her to do this, because I figure she'd rather sit and cry where no one can see her, than stand and cry and have everyone walk by her (the bell was about to ring). But, I digress...

Anyhow, after I got back, I checked my email, and had lunch. Now it's 1:10 pm, and I have nothing to do for the rest of the day. But I have to stay here until 4:15 pm. I already planned my lessons for next week, and have offered help with additional classes and such, but no one needs my help. So, basically, I just sit at my desk and try to look busy. Sometimes I try to study Japanese, but that usually leads me to fall asleep (and that's rather poor form, since all the other teachers are so busy). The rest of the time, I surf the internet. Sometimes I wish that I had a desk set up so that my back faced the wall. Then I could bring in my laptop and play video games. This is a typical day for me. Sometimes, I get lucky and the classes get cancelled, and then I really have nothing to do. I guess there are worse things than "having nothing to do" ("having too much to do" comes to mind), but I just thought I'd let the rest of you in on my day-to-day life. What's really funny is that the other teachers are so polite, and worried about interrupting me when they come over to talk to me. Why haven't I kept up to date on posts, you ask? Simple, all my pictures are on my laptop at home, and by the time I get home the last thing I want to do is spend any more time on my computer.

The time that I do spend actually working are usually pretty intense, though, so I guess that might make up for it. About a third of the time I spend trying to get the kids to talk, and another third of the time I'm trying to get them to shut up and/or do the activity properly and/or in English. Surprisingly, these activities don't take very much time if they cheat and speak in Japanese; that's when I bring out my new secret weapon "Mr. Eraser" (or Eraser-san) who despises Japanese, and will erase any schoolwork accomplished via Japanese. [On a completely unrelated side note, I recently found out that here they call Winnie the Pooh Pooh-san] The rest of the time I'm being the "genki gaijin" (that's "foreign person with a lot of energy who acts wild and crazy to get the kids excited about English" to you non-understanding-Japanese folks).

I'll give you an example of "trying to get the kids to talk" (mainly because it's funny, and I still have nothing to do). It's kind of a running joke between myself and Lisa, that teaching English is kind of like being the host to "Celebrity Jeopardy" on Saturday Night Live. For those of you not familiar with the skit, Alex Trebek (the host) is trying to get the celebrity contestants to answer jeopardy questions. The 'twist' is that the celebrities are really stupid and can never answer anything. What makes the skit funny is what Alex says/does to try to get the contestants to answer correctly. This leads to lines such as "...and the final jeopardy answer is: 'where are you right now'? You can answer anything, like 'here' or 'inside' and you will be right!" The contestants still can never get the answer. Anyhow, back to me: I employ a lot of standing games, such that the students must all stand (they hate that) and if they get an answer right, they can sit down (they like that a lot; sitting, not answering questions). So one day, I was teaching "How many" to the kids. One of the questions was:

"How many pens do you have?"

(complete silence)

"How many" (me pointing to the Japanese translation of "how many" on the board) "pens" (me holding up a pen) "do you" (pointing to them) "have"?

(I hear nothing but crickets in the background)

"I have" (pointing to my nose, because that's how Japanese people mimic "I") "3 pens" (show them my pens). "How many pens do you have?" (same actions as before).

(a tumbleweed rolls by)

"Okay, Ms. Hirose (Japanese teacher). How many pens do YOU have?" (same actions as before). She answers "I have 1 pen". "Okay, very good. You have ONE pen. How many pens do YOU have?" (with actions)

(more crickets, students look either at their feet, or right at me with the deer-in-the-headlights look)

"You can say ANY number. I don't know how many pens you have, so if you say anything, you will be right."

(blank stares)

"Please say a number. Please say ANY number."

(the crickets and tumbleweeds start fighting in the background)

At this point, I care more about moving on with the class. "Okay, let's pretend you have one pen. Please say 'I have one pen'" (usually at this point they're happy, becasue they can understand 'please say ______', but for some reason it's just not happening today).

At this point I realize that I am seriously overpaid (becasue the kids can't understand 'how many'), and that my day is ruined. So, I walk over to one of the students, open their pencil case, and pull out all their pens. Then I count the pens in front of them "1, 2, 3, 4. You have 4 pens. Please repeat after me."

Student: "U havu... ... ..."

Me: (at this point I'm so happy they're responding that I don't care they're saying "You have" instead of "I have"). "four pens"

Student: "foo... ... ..."

Me: "pens"

Student "pensu"

Me: "Very good, 'You have four pens'" (hold my hand out to the student, as though I want them to repeat it one more time).

Student: (sits down, looks very relieved).

At this point I begin to wonder why the Japanese government pays us to fly here and try to teach these kids English. Not that I'm complaining, but if they didn't hire any of us, it'd probably help with their recession.

Okay, so that's probably enough for today. Just so you all know, it's now almost 2 pm, and I'm basically just waiting for the clock to hit 4:15 pm so I can go home, and get ready for tonight.

Take it easy (I know I will),

Typhoon #23

Okay, so now that the winds have died down, I'll tell you about the latest typhoon.

I walked to the board of education today, all ready to take my medical examination (everyone gets a medical exam once per year), being quite proud that I figured out how to use the stool sample thing-a-ma-bob, despite not being able to read the instructions, only to find out that the exam was cancelled on account of the typhoon. So, I walked to the junior high, and arrived after the morning meeting had finished. One of the English teachers approached me and asked "Do you understand what they say?" No, dumbass, you just saw me walk in the door. How could I possibly have understood the meeting that I was not present for? (On a downside, I think I've hit "culture shock", but on a plus note, I'll take it out here and with friends rather than on random Japanese people). Anyhow, I polietly responded "no", and then they explained that because of the typhoon, none of the student would come to school. The teachers still have to stay, of course, because the building would blow away without our extra weight (that's the only reason I can figure).
I asked the head of the English department what we were supposed to do, and he said that we would clean the school in the morning. Now, usually the students clean the school every afternoon after class. They do not come in on Sundays or Saturdays to clean, presumably because if no one is around the place won't get messy. But for some reason it was really important for us to clean despite the fact that the building had been cleaned the day before, and no one was going to use it all day. But I digress...
The cleaning itself was actually fun, because I got to shoot the shit with the one person in the school that I can (head English teacher). Before we left to go clean, I was just waiting to follow him, but there was uncomfotable silence. Then, he started to speak, and timidly said "we have to clean, but first, I want to go smoke". I burst out laughing. In his way, he was apologizing for delaying us from beginning to clean, perhaps not realizing that I really wasn't in a rush to start, and had only offered to do so because I was being polite.
After his smoke, we went and cleaned his room. When that was done, we cleaned the boys' bathroom (which, suprisingly, the boys normally don't clean very well). Then I acidentally smacked a teacher in the face with some phys. ed. equipment (everything has to be moved around or secured so it won't blow away). Then, back to the staff room where I fought off the desire to sleep with nothing but my bare hands. High point of the day: kyoto-sensei bought us all cake to reward us for our hard work in the morning. Low point of the day:
I was trying to take a nap (still a little sick) when the door bell rang. It was none other than my landlord, who I had met once about three weeks ago. He very quickly tried to explain something to me in very fast Japanese. All I caught was "important" "water", and him raising his hands as though we were about to be flooded. Being the responsible adult that I am, I decided to turn on the tv to the news station to try to figure out what was going on. All I could catch was "taifu" (Japanese for, you guessed it, "typhoon"), and "Mie-ken". A "ken" is a prefecture (kind of like a province, but way more Japanese), and Mie is the name of the one I live in. At first, I thought they were just listing the prefectures that were going to be hit, but then I noticed that they were saying "Mie-ken" an awful lot. So, I deduced that Mie-ken had either been selected to be miraculously sheilded by some new experimental anti-typhoon technology, or that we would be the hardest hit.
A little while later, the head English teacher called (which means that someone called someone else, who called him, probably because none of the someones felt confident enough to be able to explain to me what he was about to say). He informed me that I might have to evacuate my house. A van would drive around, making announcements on a loud speaker. So, if I heard a loudspeaker, and saw people running for their lives, I should join them. Got it. I might have to spend the night at the town hall. He said to please prepare anything that I might need to stay overnight ... or longer.
Being the responsible adult that I am, I decided to go take a nap, and hope that the whole problem just went away. Fortunately, my plan worked brilliantly. The winds have died down, and I decided to update my blog (I'm very far behind). Although the worst of the typhoon seems to have passed, another one should be here in a few days. Hu-zzaa!!

a bientot

Junior High Sports Day

I just wrote the best entry ever, but then the friggin' internet ate it. As if this typhoon that threatens to force me to evacuate my home weren't enough...

Here's the shorter, less spontaneoulsy funny version:

Sports festivals = big deal

Japanese people ask Louis about Canadian sports festivals + Louis explains there is no such thing = wonder and amazement

Since Louis + Birthday = Okinawa,
and Sports festival + date = Louis' Birthday,
sports festival + Louis' presence = no.

See pictures below, which were taken during practice that occurs every day after school leading up to the event (yes, you read that right, the whole school practices EVERY day for this). The pictures are of one of the events that is particular to this region. The event is the "centipede race", which is kind of like a three-legged race, except you tie up the feet of the entire class together (minus one person). The one person who does not get tied up gets a shiny whistle, and blows it at a regular rhythm to set the pace for marching. From what I can tell, they are also responsible for dancing around in circles, making crazy hand motions, and whipping the kids up into a frenzy (especially the kid in the front, who holds up the "reins" like they're driving a toboggan.
Speaking of whipping and frenzies, you should see some of these teachers! Apparently, there is a little bit of fame associated with being the homeroom teacher whose class wins, so one teacher in particular was just out and out yelling at the kids. When one fell down, he got right in the kids' face and just went to town on him. It was all in good fun, though, as the kid laughed, then tried to get up with the teacher's help, and "accidentally" fell back down bringing the teacher with him. Funny stuff. All in all, watching a dozen centipede teams snake their way around the school yard, some at a snails' pace (first years) and others at a jog (seniors), with varying levels of success was quite amusing. Kind of sad that I missed out on the sports day, but I did get to go to Okinawa instead (post on that later).

This is all the kids tied to each other for the "centipede race".

...and this is what it looks like when they fall down.

Elementary School Festival

So I showed up to work one day, and no one was around. I went to the back of the school, where the field is, and all these kids were doing this dance together. Apparently, every school has a festival day, where all the kids participate in sports competitions, and do this crazy dance together. I got to watch them practice the dance (and I didn't have to teach that day, so that was pretty neat too).

The final pose. It's really cool when they yell super-loud, especially because I don't know what they're going on about.

On behalf of the school administration, and in recognition of the blue team's hard work, I bestow unto you an imaginary nothing (take a close look at the hands). Congratulations.

Crazy T-shirts

Did I mention that lots of people here wear T-shirts written in English without knowing what they mean?

So one of the Phys. Ed. teachers wore a shirt to school today (actually it was a few weeks ago, but I've been lazy) that said: "Marijuana pickers: Union Number 13. United grass workers" with a HUGE pot leaf right in the middle of his shirt. No one seemed to mind. I complimented him on it. Crazy.